Monday, April 19, 2010

Not Good at Pretending

Loneliness and depression. Not typical topics for me. Not the usual, sweet story either. But it's where I am right now. And ignoring how I feel seems to be a little bit dishonest.

You know, like when someone asks how you're doing and you answer that you're fine, but you're really not. Because you don't want to admit that there's a problem.

I'm not that good at pretending that nothing is wrong when something is wrong.

Does that make sense?

Thanks, sweet girl, I knew that you would understand.

Uh, I know that you didn't actually ask me how I'm doing or why I'm sad. But I'll explain everything anyway. Just in case you're wondering.

I'm depressed because my darlin' husband is working in Houston, Texas, and I'm in Alabama.

We haven't seen each other since the first of March. He always travels, but he's never had to be away from home for almost two months.

And I'm not handling the separation very well either. I miss him so, so much.

Yes, I know that there are military wives whose husbands are gone for way longer than six weeks. More like six months to a year or longer. What a sacrifice! I couldn't do that.

I'm having all kinds of problems with my man's short-term absence. Have to make myself push the trash cart to the street. Or get the mail out of the box.

And other such simple, routine tasks.

Who could imagine how much emotional energy is required to perform them?

Do I sound like a selfish, spoiled brat?


Well, sorry.

It's just that I feel lost and lonely when my sweetheart has to be gone for so long. He's my best friend. He makes everything fun and fulfilling.

He loves me. Protects me. Provides for me.

And the most amazing thing is that he understands the little girl in me. The one who grew up afraid of her daddy. Of not being good enough. The one who always loved words but was too insecure to put hers on paper. The one who desperately wanted to be loved and affirmed.

You can't help but miss a man like that.

And feel lonely and depressed when you're not with him.

I hope that I haven't caused you to feel depressed with my sad story. You've heard the old adage: Misery loves company or misery loves to make others miserable. Something like that.

Well, I have good news. When we do feel alone and depressed, we don't have to deny or ignore those emotions. We don't have to feel guilty that we're not deliriously happy at the moment.

Jesus experienced loneliness and depression too.

You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend (Psalm 88: 18).

The psalmist writes about his own battle with loneliness, but his words also refer to Christ and how all of Christ's disciples--His friends--abandoned Him when He needed them the most.

The image portrayed in this verse is so sad to me. That our Savior felt so alone that He counted the darkness as His close friend.

You know what? I've never been that alone before.

You know why? Because Jesus promised that He would never, ever leave me. Or you.

I'm glad Jesus made that promise.

I'm glad that He understands loneliness and depression.

I'm glad that when we're lonely or sad or depressed, we don't have to be good at pretending that everything is cool.

And I'm glad that my darlin' husband is coming home this weekend.

And did I mention that he's way handsome?

Oh, sweet girl. He is!

post signature


  1. Deb,
    Awesome post. So many times in my life, JESUS has been the only thing I had left to cling to...the depths of despair are not near as deep with Jesus! I praise GOD...HE never left me or got tired of my wallowing and moaning. He just kept picking me up, dusting me off, binding my wounds, and setting me on course, time and time again.

    Blessings, hugs, and prayers,

  2. I used to work for a group of drilling engineers. I told each of them often how special their wives were because they could handle their husbands traveling for weeks at a time. I'm not like that. So I understand where you are coming from. I am so happy your husband will be home this weekend. It's truly a cause for celebration. Best of all we are blessed to have a Savior that knows our hearts and He gives us comfort.

  3. I would be exactly the same way! Two months is a verrrryyyyy long time. what an accomplishment to have made it that long!

    I'm so glad that he's coming home this weekend. What a blessing it is to know Him who is always with us (even if He doesn't check the mail). Wait, is that sacrilegious? Yikes! I hope not!

  4. I am sorry you've been feeling down, but I would too. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. I am thankful he is coming home this weekend.

  5. Hi Deb,
    You are one day closer to him coming home!!! Yeah! And how wonderful to have such a fantastic love! Many women never dream of having such a wonderful marriage, so you are very lucky. And I have no clue how I would handle a long separation like that, so don't you feel bad for feeling bad at all, if that makes any sense... (my brain cells don't function too well at 2:20 in the morning...)

    Isn't it wonderful that God is always with us? And that He knows how difficult each second is? That is so amazing to me, but I know it's true, just like you do! Thank goodness, huh! Wow! aren't we lucky?

    So glad he is coming home this weekend, hope this week goes by so quickly for you!

  6. You don't sound spoiled at all. You sound like you are in a wonderful marriage. I was away from my husband once. I left with his mom to go to the beach 3 days before he came down. It seemed like forever. I feel for you.

  7. Hey Deb,
    Sounds like God has blessed you with a man worth missing!...and all the more cherished because of the absence--funny how God works--we learn to appreciate the "light" keenly in the absence of...

    Have a wonderful celebration when he returns!

  8. Deb, thanks for sharing. Two months is long, especially when you love someone so dearly. But YEAH, soon to be home! Oh, why don't you post a picture of that handsome hubbie? :) Blessings**

  9. I am so sorry that your sweet guy has been away. I wish you had let me know...I would have come and hung out with you. Glad he is coming home this weekend for ya though...would love to see a pic....Take care girl and keep your chin up.

  10. So nice to visit someone's blog that is not afraid of expressing how you actually feel instead of denying those feelings and pretending all is OK when it is not. I'm not good at pretending either.

    So glad that our King never leaves us and understands our loneliness at times. You have such a gift with words. I loved visiting your blog. (Thanks for popping by mine by the way!)xo

  11. Wouldn't want you any other way, Deb. Just you, regardless of the feelings surrounding you.

    It's obvious that you are well loved, by your husband and by your God. If it wasn't so deep, you wouldn't been feeling as you do.

    Sweet, blessed reunion to you and your man.


  12. Deb
    Loved your post. Yes he is handsome. Yes he has spoiled you. But that is a good thing. I am so sorry you have been so lonly. Been there. Done that.
    I remember when you came home from collage for christmas after meeting your man. You wanted to sing carrolls, "MELL CARROLLS". You had met the man of your dreams. After all these years it is good to know he is still the man of your dreams.

    Love Ya Lots,
    Next To Big Sis

  13. As you anxiously await the return of your husband you have also given us a picture of how we must be with Jesus. Looking for his return with great antcipation. Oh what Joy it will be when you see your husband, and can you imagine what it will be like when we see Jesus? ~ You sound like a wonderful wife. Enjoy every moment of your husband's return!

  14. Oh, Deb, I know exactly how you feel! My KISA has been out of town/country pratically since the first of November. I cannot enjoy a movie without him! I miss having someone around who thinks I'm wonderful!

    I have also struggled with how to answer, "How are you?" - I want to speak faith, but sometimes you just want to say, "help." One of the most disappointing days in my life was when a teacher at college said, "You know when people say, 'How are you?' they don't care and don't want to hear." I was very disappointed in the disingenuity of mankind when he said that. However, God always means it! (and, if I ever ask you, I mean it, too!)

    Blessings on your reunion:)

  15. That's it .. I'm calling you tonight, girlfriend!! I had hoped to on Monday, but my week has just been nutty. I have nothing on the agenda tonight, so I'm calling you! ;0) You're right, Jesus is always there and He is the best Comforter we could ever had, but a human voice sometimes helps, too! ;0) Love ya!

  16. this post really made me smile...not at the beginning but the more I read...and of course the ending...I'm glad he's in your corner for you and I'm glad He's in your corner too. I love your spirit...Sarah

  17. Thanks for being honest. Loneliness is hard when you are used to such sublime company. I pray you will find some solace in the midst of the silence though. You already know God can meet you where you are...the question always remains if we are willing to meet with Him and open our heart to what He has for us. Sometimes it is painful but for our good...other times it is just His shear presence that fills the void. You are a dear and remain tender and open. Love it!

  18. I want to reach through the computer and give you a big hug! It is so tough when are loved ones are away! This is the 3rd post I read tonight about sadness. It seems we all struggle with it on occasion. I'll say a prayer for you tonight!

  19. Deb, I pray that now your hope is realized and Mel is safe and at home. We all would feel the same sadness you have felt. I know you have been touched with loneliness for these past two months. And, even so, the Holy Spirit has given you comfort. I'm so glad the Lord grasps all our feelings.

    You are a great woman of grace. And, I can say that not just from reading your blog, but also from having had the opportunity to meet you.

    Take care, dear friend.

    Much love,


  20. Hi Deb,
    Hope your handsome prince got home safe and sound and that you are enjoying every second of having him back!

    Enjoy your week every more than last week!

  21. Hi Deb,
    Okay, now I feel like I am "stalking" you, but just wanted to say that I hope you had the best weekend with your beloved back at your side. And I hope he gets to stay there for awhile!

  22. Mine is way handsome too!

    Deb, I wanted to thank you for being a part of my first year of blogging! What a wonderful year it has been. I'm throwing a little party and as an honored guest, I would love for you to stop by and share a highlight of your year with all of us.

    Cactus Happy,

  23. If I lived closeby I'd call you and arrange for us to meet for coffee or tea so you wouldn't be so lonely!

    I love how Jesus will never leave us. I think He sometimes gets lonely when we don't make time for Him. We are created in God's image so I think the whole relationship thing is part of who He is.

  24. Thank you for this precious post. I cannot begin to tell you how much I needed this.